My two oldest played soccer this year. Charlie is 9 and Ellie is 7. Because COVID shut the world down in ‘20 and ‘21 and we moved to Okinawa in ‘22, neither had ever played before. This also meant that I’d never been a parent of a kid in organized sports.
I love soccer and happily brought them to each practice. I watched, but didn’t chime in or offer to help run drills. I figured the coach was good-to-go and I should just find my spot and be an unembarrassing parent (if that was ever an option).
In the last week of the season, the coach for Charlie’s soccer team was out of town. She asked for parents to volunteer to run practice. Three dads had stepped in to help, so again, I figured they were good-to-go. I’d be quiet and would just let them play.
Charlie had gravitated toward keeper during the season, perhaps because I used to play that position. He had volunteered for the spot and played goalie in a number of games. He even made some nice saves! In the volunteer-dad practice he was doing a goalkeeper drill with one of the other dads, so I joined in. We had fun!
At the end of practice I joked with the dad who led the drill that I "played in a past life".
He said
"Yeah probably like me, I played till I was 11 then never again."
I was stunned.
Permit me to relive some soccer glory days (cue Springsteen).
Almost 20 years ago, I played varsity in high school on a team that was coached by a former pro player. Our team had a 5 year undefeated winning streak in a competitive division, including multiple District championships and a run at States. In college I played on many rec teams with Division 1 players and I even played on an indoor team with a dude who was drafted for the MLS.
My definition of “played in a past life” was not the same as this other dad.
But he was coaching and doing a good job at it.
Why did I stay on the sidelines?
Loud stories
As I reflected on it, its because of a story I’ve told myself.
The story of my soccer career was that I was “not quite good enough”.
When I was a little older than Charlie is now, I got cut from the competitive traveling “A team” and demoted to the fun “B team”. In high school, I rode the bench while our team won districts and played in the state tournament. In my senior year, I was the starting goalkeeper who let in both the goal that broke our 5 year undefeated streak and the goal that lost the district title. In college all the games I played were just for fun. I was good, but not good enough to play “for real”.
Somehow, that story stuck with me and transferred into how I thought about myself when it came to my kids playing soccer. I was good, but not good enough to coach. Someone else was better.
In many ways, this story is true. All those things did actually happen. I wasn’t good enough for the A team. I did let in those goals. But here’s the point, that’s only one version of the story. It happened to be the loudest version, but I can tell another.
I can tell the story of how I learned to persist even when picked last; or how I learned that the best way to win is to score more and not to count only on defense; or how I learned how to absolutely smoke a dropkick. For my son’s team, I have something to give. So did this other dad, who just stepped up to coach and gave me permission to tell myself another story.
The story where I wasn’t quite good enough might be loud, but it’s not the only one.
Other versions
Let me be bold here. You are holding yourself back.
There is a story you’re telling yourself that is drowning out the other versions. You have experience that is helpful for others, but you are holding it back because one loud story is saying you’re “not quite good enough.”
It might be a business you think you aren’t qualified to start, or one you think you shouldn’t run. It might be a song you shouldn’t write or a play you shouldn’t direct because there’s “probably someone better.” But what if you told a different story?
Find where you are holding yourself back. There is a loud story there. Listen to it. It might be a difficult, real story that is rooted in things that actually happened. But it’s not the only version.
This is your permission to tell another story. To turn down the dial on the one that is too loud and to tell the story where there is growth through defeat; where there is perseverance through real trials.
You have something special to give. So step up and coach.
I’m rooting for ya :)
-Nate